I feel it losing grip, not on the colors attaching themselves to the objects this time, but to the objects themselves. I feel it falling apart. I feel myself falling apart. I feel my strands of dna floating through the neo-realism that I find myself trapped within. The reactions of it all bombarding my brain with questions.
How, why, why.....why
The feelings. My feelings.
My paradox of self construction leaves me breathless. I've always been breathless. I'm reaching, I'm stretching the tendons in my arms, tearing the skin, reaching, grabbing, aimlessly begging for something to ressurect my barely beating heart, begging for something to fill my dying lungs, to breath life into my soul. I watch the dimming sky in an impatient anticipation.
waiting, and waiting, and waiting
My eyes open to the expanse of the sky, I breathlessly take in every insignificant detail of the star studded heavens, knowing, believing, that it will be my last glimpse at beauty. I watch for what seems like an eternity, I watch the sparkle of the vigorously alive light as it dances in the darkness.
Have I died already?
Time seems to have stopped. Ended. Its ended. The ominous fear of my end's begining has faded into a dellusional comfort, a dying serenity. I open my tightly clenched eyes again, not fearing my last look at the world, not fearing the threat of dying, not fearing no longer existing. As my eyes adjust to the change in lighting, I feel strangly numb, slightly confused. I take in the nonsensical sights with a burst of terror. I am in the stars, they are shooting around me, the voices, the brightness.
I quickly clench my eyes, as if to close off my mind from the insanely painful realization. I'm dead? I chance a second look, opening my eyes slowly, the stars blur by in a rhythmatic pattern.
Almost.. like? The confusion hits again like a blow to the face, I feel myself trying to thrust myself around, I feel myself trying to escape. Escape, Escape what? I feel trapped, I'm trapped.
The lids of my eyes are fluttering again, the brightness of the stars (lights) forces them closed instantly. I feel myself moving.. but I'm not moving myself. I feel myself flying. I'm flying. I died.
I feel uncontrolled. I feel detached. I've felt this before.
I've felt dead before?!
The complete incoherency of the entire situation attacks my brain for logical reasoning.
why, why, why.....
I continue to rationalize my astounding trip into the afterlife. I try to convince myself that it is incomprehendable. I can't, I can't believe it, I wont believe it.
Again, I open my eyes, the brightness isn't so tremendously intense, the complete whiteness is fading into colors, the voices becoming more distinct. ....injuries, needs to be sur...
My mind is searching, its expanding and extracting old vaulted files, its trying to find a plausible explainat...
drunk, hit a tree...
It grasps the reason, I'm not de....
Blackness. I feel nothing. I must be dead. Nothing exists anymore. This is how it feels to be dead? There has to be something more. I try so hard to remember, to have a mental glimpse at the dancing stars, the beautiful designs they made in the sky.. the beaut....
Suddenly, I'm awake. Faces, faces staring at me. Tons of faces. Bright blurring colors floating in the sterile white, expressions, changing, am I in heaven?
No, you're in the hospital.
I didn't want to lie to you.
That one always makes me laugh, I don't really know why.